The Friday before Hartford

It is the Friday before Hartford, Schmartford, Vartford, Fartford. Kidding actually. I feel like some Lauryn Hill to push my soul.
I must scream to the highest heights. I was on the phone for almost 2 hours with a bellsouth DSL technical support agent trying to set up wireless internet. And how can I explain.
I must open my mouth. I must let the world pour out like the animals of Noah's Ark first touching upon land after months of sea. Can you imagine the rawkus, the rompings, the stompings, the flippings and flappings of wings. The bursts of color, the both concordant and discordant sound.
These typed words won't be enough. Goodness, I must squeeze it out of me. I must squeeze the stutter out of me.
Actually I am unsure as to the correct remedy. Should I apply force. Should I scream? Should I slap myself out of it. Should I grasp my throat tightly with both my hands.
Or should I be gentle with myself. Should I lapse into a medication of meditation. Should I repeat my oms, declare my affirmations.
My name is Intisar Abioto. I do not stutter, I speak clearly. I do not stutter I speak clearly.
When will it end? When I make it end. I can't disappoint myself any longer. This could be a book you know.
The Mismatched Misunderstood Mumbling Bumblings of Ms. Intisar Abioto.
I will write what I know cause Lordy Miss Clordy I know quite alot.
I would very much like it to slip away. Notice I call it an it. It is an animal. A organism in me, but not of me. It divides me.
With a rake I would stick inside me I'd pull it out, it fighting me all the while, a little hairy green monstrosity kicking and emitting low key growlings and high pitched screams.
Kill it kill it kill it. I'd burn it up. I'd watch it combust. I'd stamp it into the ground. I'd break its motherfucking neck. I'd send it in charred diced up pieces in a box with a pink bow on top back to the hell from which it came.
I want it fucking dead. I want it dead. It will be dead.
Otherwise I'm doing ok. Shaved all the hair off my head last week. Went to get a physical yesterday. Going to school on Monday. Bombed this French placement exam cause i didn't study, so i gotta study my ass off so i can prove myself when I see my advisor.
I must control money. I must manipulate the flux and flow. Not because I value it above love or people or nature, but because I must control the universe "muhahaha!"
At least mine anyway.
I'm enclosing a poem, which I like. I know blogger will run the lines together as it always does. But hopefully it will retain.

Edna St. Vincent Milly

Love is not all: it is not meat nor drink
Nor slumber nor a roof against the rain;
Nor yet a floating spar to men that sink
And rise and sink and rise and sink again;
Love can not fill the thickened lung with breath,
Nor clean the blood, nor set the fractured bone;
Yet many a man is making friends with death
Even as I speak, for lack of love alone.
It well may be that in a difficult hour,
Pinned down by pain and moaning for release,
Or nagged by want past resolution's power,
I might be driven to sell your love for peace,
Or trade the memory of this night for food.
It well may be. I do not think I would.

20 days

1.20 days. 20 days.
2.I ate a bagel with cream cheese today.
3.My little sister saw a picture of one named allysia and said she was pretty.
4.preparing to head off on another god blessed adventure (can you feel the fuckin chills man?) "Its gonna be cold, there may even be snow" -how i love that dear old sade.
5.Saw New Orleans and sent my sister off to Dillard University. Her twin on the other hand got serenaded to by a drunk parapalegic who was being pushed along the streets of the French quarters by a salt and pepper haired man with wandering eyes. Her twin and myself had to wince when the serenader planted a glistening kiss upon her left hand.
6. Taking my friggin time.
7. Learning about stocks and bonds and mutual funds. Planning my friggin future.
8. I seem to love the word friggin.
9. Continuing to have recurrent dreams. Those pesky recurrent dreams. How I hate he love of men even as i do love it. Blast you all to heaven and hell!
10. Cleaning my self up. I once wrote a man a valentines card saying "clean it up!" Well now I'm not afraid to say, that my turns been past due. My sisters told me I looked like a traveler. I don't want to look like a friggin traveler anymore. Like i don't have place to live, carrying the world around in my timberland daypack. So I'm slicking it up and swooping it down and taming those loose feathers. "Shake it sister shake it!"
10. Ahhh memories. My sister told me the other night that I've been gone from home for two years, well yippee Kyo I have. Ahhh how I both sigh and wince.
11.FROU FROU
Let Go

Drink up baby down
Hmm, are you in or are you out
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you

Excuse me too busy
Writing your tragedy
These mishaps you bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So let go
So let go
Jump in
Oh well what you waiting for
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

So let go
Let it go
Just get in
Oh it's so amazing here
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown