a tree grows

i've had something of a stange descent but i feel like i'm on the crescendo again and like i'm maybe teaching myself to live, like wanting to re-see or learning to re-see, or learning to re-notice things. calling myself back into the world through my senses. like listen to this pitch in this woman's voice or look at tis spider. speaking of which: i had a dream last night about a big spider and it's the second dream about a big spider i've had in the last like two months. they were set in different places but here is what's the same about them:

the wondering in my head whether i do or do not feel a fear or disgust regarding the spider. the standing on the edge of a desicion to be afraid of it or not.

awake, i usually like spiders. though come to think of it perhaps that same feeling is there. i respect spiders and i think they're great but when i encounter them i think it's more that i make myself look at them and that when i feel like they creep me out i run toward that feeling until it goes away.

slowly and all the time i will tie myself to the world. i think it's time to start looking at myself again instead of turning away.