listening to four women

Maybe I will never understand life. While I'm living it anyway. i'm taking a break from my work. It is 9:33 on this Tuesday night.
Maybe I will never understand this life thing while I'm living it. It is a task, so much so that I can't stop thinking, can't stop feeling, can't stop trying to understand the game, taking up notes in my head, stocking up what I'd like to call wisdom.

and then fuckin throwing it all out the window when I'm blasted.

This life is not a boardgame. There are no certain rules. There are different approaches. I actually think about this thing all the time,
trying to be a better person. Trying to improve myself, while also keeping the good things... Not overdoing the changes.... knowing when to be be humble and listen.. knowing when to be bold...when to love...not to be reckless.. and learning to scream when its time to be angry... knowing when to let someone slip on away from you into those ephemeral waters of life... not knowing if they will ever flow back... and being..ok.. with that. Losing myself and finding me again... wondering if I am crazy... reading someone else's poetry and knowing that i am not.

Tomorrow I might be sad again. Tomorrow I may fall off my horse. Something grand and horrible like life is gonna come at me, something like emotion. Is life worth the effort? Some don't think so. some definitely don't think so. sometimes i don't. i could be ashamed to say that i get afraid.

But we keep stepping on. I gotta think about the old people. Think about the old people man. Like my grandma crying out to the lord when she was in pain before her death. Can you imagine your grandmother crying? crying man... crying.
putting all that faith. all that belief.. all that trucking on. all that keeping us going make ya wanna bust out and cry your own damn or shall i say blessed self.
religion vs. philosopy vs. science vs. all the crazy concoctions of heart and rhythm and so called fucking reason
fuck you and your lines. fuck you man.
mix it all up and you get a pot of stinking stank. THERE ARE NO PARTITIONS. There is no neat place. There is no separation.
no microwave dinner

and life'll still be beautiful. our souls'll still be beautiful. where's your soul man? do you have one? don't make me cry baby. please find it.

" and suddenly the struggle don't seem so tough."

ahh fuck that man. it is. I gotta wake up again tomorrow. no false pretenses eh? but if only for a moment...

i always leave at peace.

peace,

Ama
10:52 pm